A little note from Ness today!

So the other day my boyfriend, Mike, had this need… an absolute want.. to bust out his old Nintendo 64 and play ‘Conker’s Bad Fur Day’. A real gem, if you ask me.

“Have you played this game before, babe?” He asked, a boyish sparkle in his eye as he held the game cartridge out for me to inspect. Eager to hear my response.

“Oh yeah! I have, I thought it was cool when I was younger because of all the cuss words. I only made it to the Great Mighty Poo though.” I shrugged it off casually..

The look on his face and his response was just a reminder of how lucky I am to have found someone who is so similar to myself.

“Oh my GOD, Babe. That is a fucking TRAVESTY. The Great Mighty Poo is just the beginning. He is an OPERA. AN OPERA OF SHIT! You haven’t played the game if you haven’t gotten past him!”

I love my boyfriend to bits. So, I sat on the couch, head on his shoulder and dozing off, watching this bad squirrel run around, get drunk, collect bits of chocolate, and just interact with these other crude  characters. I couldn’t be in a happier place than where I am today.

I wasn’t always this happy though. I used to be in the pit they called depression. Here is a little look at depression from my own perspective.

For me, depression started off as just being in what felt like a hole. The hole wasn’t big at first, I could probably reach up and pull myself out of it… but I didn’t. I have severe apathy and laziness and I was just so tired I wanted to lay down just a little bit more. The hole got larger, with that my apathy and laziness grew as well. I can remember feeling hopeless, that my life was going nowhere, I would never get out of this hole I am in. Every negative thought made the hole become bigger. I was spiraling.

I remember trying to climb out of the hole, fed up with what I was doing and wanting to end the sadness and be who I used to be – happy, cheerful, and positive. I made it to the top, reaching my hand upwards I could feel my fingertips brush the top… I looked up to see my reach towards escape. I wasn’t even close. I had barely moved. I laid there staring up at the hole, I could barely see the top anymore. I felt like I was drowning in my sorrow, my self pity, apathy, and laziness. I would have drowned in my self-esteem had there been any left at this point. I figured I would just sit here and stare, someone would save me from this eventually. Maybe even throw me a rope so I could climb out.

As I stared up at the depression filled hole I had dug for myself, a few rays of light began to sneak down into the darkness. Absorbing the negative energy with its warmth, I could feel the rays of light washing over me and warming me. I realized in that moment that I was FEELING. I wasn’t quite out of my depression but I could feel things that I wanted more of. I had to take matters into my own hands. I was tired of waiting and wasting my energy/life in this lonely hole. I got back up and brushed myself off, standing tall and proud. As I stood up, I realized that the hole wasn’t really as big as I thought. The hole wasn’t getting bigger on its own, I was making myself feel smaller and smaller. I reached up into the sunlight and firmly grasped the top of the hole and pulled myself out of it. I was instantly overwhelmed by the difference in feelings.

Life isn’t about just being sad, lonely, and depressed. You can choose to beat it. Find the the things in your life that make you happy and just go for them. Don’t wait on anyone, not even yourself. Take risks, have fun, and for God’s sake, throw a rope down into that dangerous hole so next time you fall, you can pick yourself back up again much easier.

Love,

Ness

P.S. Really deep in thought today. I hope this inspires someone, anyone, who felt what I felt. I know not everyone can get over it as easily but I believe that is it possible. Only you can change yourself.

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